The Fine Balance

December in March

2012-03-10T05:34:00.000-08:00

When we planned our furlough we set the dates to come back in the middle of February which is the start of the hottest time of our year. I questioned our sanity several times as we prepared to leave the nice, cool weather of the U.S., and certainly since we've been back to endure the 110 degree days! This hot season is shaping up to fulfill its promise to amaze us with how hot and oppressive Togo can be in the months of March, April and May.

But this morning is different. While sitting at the breakfast table with the girls, we noted that there was a dusty haze hanging in the air, and that the morning sun wasn't pouring through the windows with its usual boast of how just how bright and hot it would shine today. It was one of those mornings when harmattan comes back for a brief visit, clouding out the intensity of the sun for a few days before the rainy season chases it off for the year in May or June. Ahh, reprieve from the merciless heat!

As I proceeded through my day I noticed that I was feeling nostalgic. It occurred to me that the thick haze of dust and semi-cool air has become as evocative of the holiday feeling as Christmas carols, cold weather, and a fire in the fire place! I feel like we should be decorating the Christmas tree and getting out the Advent calendar. I can already smell the sweet scent of Christmas cookies promising an indulgent treat!

It's funny how become conditioned to respond to certain things. If you'd told me that dust and 83 degree weather would give me the warm fuzzies many years ago, I'd have thought you were crazy. Sometimes I feel a bit crazy with the ways that we've changed and adjusted to life here, but I love how God can bring life's little pleasures, like that holiday feeling, even in unconventional ways!

Relishing Time With My Children

2012-03-07T05:08:00.000-08:00

We are in week three of being back in Togo, and week two of school. Most of you know that I have been very active in ministry here for the last few years, but this year I decided to put most of that on hold while I focus on teaching the girls and building relationships with new teammates. If I let myself, I can get pretty stressed out thinking of what I am NOT doing in ministry. The needs thereof certainly haven't diminished in the least, but I remind myself that I am a finite resource while God is not.

I so much enjoy teaching Maddie and Michal. We have our moments of frustration together, but over all it is such a joy to get to spend so much time with them. When I talk to my teammate Julia I am reminded of how it felt to have babies and toddlers. Just to be able to steal enough to to use the bathroom undisturbed seemed like a luxury, and I looked forward to moments when I wasn't engaging with them. Now my girls are so grown up and independent that I realize how short the next five years before Maddie goes to college will be.

So it's a lot of fun to help them grow and learn, make discoveries together, and just to be together. It is so amazing to see how God created them with their own thoughts, their own understanding, their own ways of going about things, their perceptions, and their senses of humor. Homeschooling feels like an opportunity to relish in the creation of my children.

Losing Two Friends

2012-02-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last Spring, while my mom was here visiting, I took her to visit a friend of mine. Her name is Phoebe, and she has taken in 8 children who have no families. While we were there I noticed that one of her sons seemed lethargic, and he had a pretty bad cough. I inquired after his health and found that Phoebe was struggling to get him the health care he needed for various reasons. I, along with some friends from the clinic, joined in in the fight to get Bienvenu the help he needed.

Through the months that followed Bienvenu had ups and downs. He was in and out of the hospital, and several times I left visits with him preparing myself for the worst, only to find him bouncing back a few days later. Before we left in September I spoke with the medical assistant who had agreed to start him on Tuberculosis meds. The last time I saw him he was out of bed, walking around, and even eating. I was amazed at how resilient this sweet boy was.

However, two weeks later we arrived in the States to hear the news that Bienvenu had passed away while we were in transit. It felt a bit surreal to me, as life always does when I contemplate the huge discrepancy between life in the U.S. and life in Togo. My mind was trying to assimilate and accommodate my home culture again, and I had little mental energy to spare. I put my grief on hold.

We continued our travels in the States for about four and a half months, and in late December we learned that another young friend of ours here was having problems with her kidneys. Over the years that we've known Massan, we have seen her become very ill, but she has always pulled through. She too, lost her parents to HIV many years ago, and was living with her little sister and their adoptive mother Rose.

We began praying for Massan. We spoke to people who might be able to help her. We did the best we could from such a great distance to try to help her get the care she needed. Four days before our flight left to bring us back to Togo she passed away.

Death is a part of AIDS work. In Africa, death is a part of life. People here handle it and move on with great strength, but I'm blown away by it. I think of Bienvenu and Massan, and then I think of so many other orphans who are sick with AIDS and other illnesses, and many of them are never mourned. Most of them don't have their names mentioned in blogs, they are forgotten.

I take such great comfort that these children have never been forgotten for even an instant by their Heavenly Father. He has known and mourned all of their sorrows through life, and he redeems all injustice even in their death. He overcomes every tragedy, every failing, and every grief. I am saddened by the loss of my two little friends, but I don't bear the burden of healing their sickness or repairing the cruelty they have suffered. I trust God to do all of that, and rejoice that he can do it perfectly and wholly. I am free to offer what love and meager help that I can give and leave salvation and true restoration to God.

Receiving Graciously

2012-02-18T05:06:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday I am back in Africa. Armed with new flip flops and a missionary haircut (I so wish I could wear a cutie pixie cut like my friend Grace can!) I am ready continue life and work in Kara. In many ways, I am back in my comfort zone.

One thing I bring back with me is an overflowing cup of love and support from friends and family back in the U.S. As someone who is in "the business" of ministry, it has been very easy for me to get used to the role of the one who helps others. We listen to people when they need to talk. We pray with and for people. We help sick people get medical care. We connect orphans to the generous support of people in the States. We feebly attempt to share wisdom when we can. We feed and house people when there is need. This is our role. It's our job, so to speak. It is our mission. It is our comfort zone.

All of that changes when we go on furlough. Since the month of October we have stayed in the homes of 20 families. We were fed by more people than I can even remember. People gave us money to buy food, clothes, gas, books, have a date, free medical care, we were hosted for a Disney World vacation, and many other things that do not fall into the category of "needs" but "wants." It is so humbling to sit in the living room and visit while a friend is in the kitchen making dinner for you, and then to do the same while your friend cleans up. It is humbling to have friends prepare special food for you because you have a stomach virus while staying in their home. It is so humbling to have someone purchase luxury goods for you that you would not buy for yourself, just because they love you. These things are outside of my comfort zone.

I have struggled on many levels with receiving the outpouring of love and generosity of others. At times I struggled with being greedy (I am ashamed to admit that,) and at times I have struggled with refusing those outpourings because I felt like I shouldn't be given so much. I have been on both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between.

As I gain a little distance from our time in the States, I reflect on the hospitality and generosity that we received and I land in the spot of amazement and gratitude. I am so touched by how good people have been to us. I am encouraged by their uplifting words and their sacrifice for us. I am grateful that people were so kind even when we weren't the best guests. I am grateful for honest words of wisdom from my friends Cathy and Linda. All of these things are gifts from God, and they reflect how sweet God is to us. He gives us to us generously and does not hold back. He takes delight in giving to us beyond what we need and deserve. I am determined to count my blessings, and to follow the beautiful examples I have seen in our friends and family across America to show that same love to the people in my community here.

2011-06-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

This morning our family got up and got ready to go to church in the village of Sanda Te. A couple of years ago Sanda Te was having a hard time. Their attendance was down, and the leaders didn't feel like the church had much direction. They were trying to share their faith, but no one seemed very interested. Mark started going out on a weekly basis to talk and pray with the leaders. He wasn't necessarily teaching them what to do, he was just sharing in their struggles and praying with them, and studying scripture together for their mutual encouragement. Over time, Dau and Tchalo regained a vision for their ministry, and the church regained vitality.

When we arrived this morning we could hear them singing from where we parked the car (you have to park, and then walk a little bit into the village to get to the church.) The worship with filled with joy and overflowing praise. It was as if they were erupting in worship as a volcano erupts. They shared a passage from 1 Peter, and then one from Luke, and many people participated in the discussion. There was a man who has shriveled legs and has to drag himself around with his arms, sitting on the floor in the back of the church who was actually dancing as he sang. There is a woman who has been suffering from an illness which causes a lot of painful inflammation all over her body, and she was smiling and lifting her hands in gratitude to our Lord. There were some new elderly women from the village who have expressed a desire to be baptized. The church was at maximum capacity.

After church, we got in the car to drive the 40 minutes home, and we talked about what a beautiful and exciting transformation we have seen in that church. God has been faithful and we are blessed to witness it.

As we were reveling in the joy of what we had just experienced, a small group of people on the roadside caught our eyes. They were making a hand gesture for us to stop, which is very common. People will oftentimes try to flag us (and all vehicles) down for a ride, but there was something about these people, perhaps the way they gestured or the expression on their faces, that conveyed a sense of urgency. Mark stopped to ask what was the matter, and they stepped aside to reveal an older man lying in fetal position on the ground. They said that he was very ill, and they had carried him to the road in hopes that someone would give them a ride to the hospital a little further down. We said that we could help them, so they lifted the man into the back of the truck. He was conscious and his eyes were open, but he was not responsive to anything. As we drove, the mood in the car had changed drastically. I was rejoicing in one moment, and then shocked by the reality of the desperate circumstances of so many of those around us in the next.

When we arrived we let them out of the truck, and gave them the little amount of money that we had with us (about $2.) They were so grateful for the small help we gave.

It blows me away how such joy and suffering co-exist in life. They are sometimes just minutes away from each other. This is true everywhere, but I think that the extremes are just more evident in Africa. The comfort in this day has been that God's presence was in both of those places with each of those people. Mark always says that we are not here to do anything, but to witness what God is doing. This morning I feel like we witnessed him in two very different ways.

Please pray for this man and his family.

obedience vs. sacrifice

2011-06-08T03:06:00.000-07:00

"The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you work up occasions to sacrifice yourself; ardour is mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfil your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2."
-Oswald Chambers

Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

People often approach missionaries with the assumption that they are living in obedience to Christ. After all, we have made "great sacrifices" to share God's Word and love with the world, and surely these sacrifices gesture to the fact that we are submitted to God's rule in our lives. However, I know that this is not true in my own heart. There is so much left inside of me to relinquish. Going to visit a woman who has taken in 8 children who are HIV positive, offering her encouragement, support, and helping her to get the medicine one of her children needs is easy. It's a simple task- a no brainer. Helping a widow by giving her clothes and helping her children to go to school is easy. But loving someone when I feel like I have been treated unjustly is really hard. Keeping my thoughts from being critical of those I love or being prideful, those things keep me awake at night.

I love this quote from Oswald Chambers because it exposes a myth that we commonly believe. The truth is that "To obey is better than sacrifice." The beauty of sacrifice is found in its obedience, it's what makes sacrifice pure. When we try to use sacrifice to compensate for our lack of obedience we rob the sacrifice of its beauty.

I am working on "offering my body as a living sacrifice" "by the renewing of my mind" on a day by day, moment by moment basis. One thing I know is true is that this is much more challenging than moving to Togo, West Africa. I thank and praise God that he is my strength and my help, that he has made me "more than a conqueror."

Cultural Adjustment

2011-04-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

Last year all of the women on our team went to Ghana for the Women of the Harvest retreat. While we were in Accra, my dear friend Becky looked out the car window and said, "Is that a really cute dress or have I just been here too long?" We have a running joke that when we go back to the US, we need a friend that will do a wardrobe review, to tell us what is out of style and too worn out to wear in the pristine land of America. It's a joke, but it represents the very real phenomenon of spending so much time and energy embracing your host culture that you lose touch with your home culture. In other words, the phenomenon of becoming a weird missionary!

Enjoying a different culture for a few weeks or months is pretty easy. It is fascinating and intriguing. But to stay somewhere for a few years and be happy to do it, well that takes work. What is it that enables a person to go beyond that initial romance and come to a place of giving up their own culture in order to embrace a new one? Our team has always put a very high emphasis on learning the local language, and after having lived here for six years and seeing others who have come to live and work here, I have to say that what I've witnessed confirms that value. The Kabiye people relate to me differently as my ability to speak with them in their terms grows. There is also the practice of appreciating the elements of their culture. I find that I sometimes have to be very intentional about this. I like to drive through Kabiyeland and look for the beauty of Kabiye culture that I have begun to overlook because it has become commonplace to me. An example is watching women laugh and talk as they carry their loads to market in the next village. Another is seeing people cultivate their fields together, using the labor of their hands to provide food for themselves and their families. Another is seeing school children jump and wave excitedly as I, the white person, pass by.

I have been so blessed to have had teammates who have done a great job loving and embracing living in Togo. I have seen that that doesn't just happen. It takes commitment and determination. It has to be a goal, and one has to work toward it. It is much like a marriage in that respect. It seems romantic at first, but then when you really get deep into it, you find find that truly investing yourself is much harder than you thought. But also like marriage, they reward of cultivating that relationship is pretty amazing.

construction the African way

2011-04-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago we, along with the Miller family, went to the village of Kpangkulum. There is a small group of believers there who came to know Christ when some people from the Sanda Te church shared their faith. Now, these young Christians are studying with others in their community, and it is clear that the Spirit of God is moving in that place!

This small faith community has been meeting in the local school, but now has decided to build their own building. They started on Sunday, and we got to watch and "help" them out. There was no building committee, no mortgage, no contribution pledges, just a group of people laughing and working together, with tree branches, dried grass, machetes, and tree bark rope.

They use machetes to loosen the dirt and their hands to scoop it out to make holes for the posts.

Rope is made by stripping the bark from a tree, and then splitting it into long strands.

a young girl carry a bundle of dried grass for the roof

After getting the posts into place, they use the strips of tree bark to secure the rafters.

tying on a rafter

I love being out in the village among the Kabiye people. I love seeing my girls play with kids there and finding simple ways of amusing themselves. I love the sweet spirit of community that African villagers share. I love the rolling hills, endless sky, and amazing boabab trees of the Togo landscape. And I love witnessing people's lives being changed by the peace and joy that comes with knowing Christ! Thank you, God, for bringing me here to participate in your work among the Kabiye!

I also took some great video, but I'm not quite patient enough to spend the time uploading it!

A Modern Day Miracle

2011-03-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I met a woman who grew up without a father (he passed away,) had two children and then was abandoned by her husband, and soon thereafter found out that she had AIDS. She didn't finish high school, she has no consistent work, and her sister, who was a great source of comfort for her, died two years ago.

With an introduction like that, one would think that this is a sad post meant to evoke a compassionate response, but on the contrary, it is an uplifting story meant to call us to a higher standard!

This woman, from the moment I met her until the moment she left (and even after I am sure,) exuded a spirit of joy and gratitude. She spoke of what peace and comfort she had that her family was so supportive of her when she told them about being HIV positive, and that she had support and help from the clinic. She was joyful that both of her children enjoy good health and are HIV free. And she is overflowing with praise and thanksgiving to God, whom she acknowledges as the source of all of these blessings. She exhibits a great sign of having a genuinely grateful heart, and that is that she cannot contain her desire to pour out the blessings she has received into others.

I am so humbled by this amazing woman, and by her testimony to the grace and love of Christ. I find myself lacking gratitude and miffed over some of the most insignificant things, and I am called into account on this just by being in her presence and seeing her joy! I am in awe of what God's redemption does, taking the most hopeless and desperate circumstance and making it not only a source of hope for the one enduring it, but also an inspiration for others! In my eyes, this is no less of a miracle than what we read of healings in the New Testament.

The Fog is Lifting

2011-03-10T05:03:00.000-08:00

It is the second week in March and I just got back from a girls' weekend at the beach. The timing was perfect. Maddie and I jumped in the truck with Andrea and Abby, and we went down to Lomé where we stayed for three days. It was very low key and I am proud to say that I resisted the temptation to think about work so that I didn't even read the latest book I've gotten on the global AIDS crisis. What a great way to relax- air conditioning, the ocean, a pool, no cooking or cleaning, good friends, and time with my daughter!

When we got back I realized that we only have a few more weeks of school, and that I am in the final stages of two of the major projects I am working on for the clinic. I am realizing that we are making it through this busy school year- hooray!

I am feeling refreshed and optimistic again, and I am so grateful for all the encouragement and support I've had during the last couple months while I've been in a rut. Our family is so blessed in countless ways!

The Joy Before and After

2011-02-25T04:49:00.000-08:00

Today I am reflecting more on the passage in Psalm 84. I was rereading verses 5-7,

What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.

and I noticed that after the word "appears" in verse 7 there is a cross reference to Deuteronomy 16:16.

...On each of these occasions, all men must appear before the Lord your God at the place he chooses, but they must not appear before the Lord without a gift for him. ¹⁷ All must give as they are able, according to the blessings given to them by the Lord your God.

The progression here is setting your mind on following God, which is a path that inevitably leads to times of sorrow (as does any path in life,) which passes on to refreshing springs and autumn rains that bring blessings. Walking this path, not once, but as a pilgrimage (meaning a long term journey) strengthens us and therefore fits us to appear before the Lord. We are required to give a gift if we are to appear before the Lord, but the gift is not one that originated with us, it is the blessing he gave us during the pilgrimage. Therefore, when we wimp out of the pilgrimage or try to take a route other than the one that goes through the "Valley of Weeping" we miss out on the blessings that come with traveling that path, and therefore miss out on returning those blessings to God.

It is amazing that this is that exact pattern of Christ's life and death, and yet the blessing that he offered in the end was offered to us. These reflections give me good courage, and even joy as described in Psalm 84:5. I think that joy is both the starting point and ending point, though perhaps the process is more cyclical and therefore does not have an ending point. Regardless, I praise God for his mercy, and the goodness he brings from tough times. What a sweet and sustaining glimpse of grace!

With a Little Help From My Friends

2011-02-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

Blog writing can be a fairly daunting task at times. My goal in writing is to be honest about what our lives are truly like, and to express where I am personally in the various aspects of my life. It's a great way to communicate with friends and family back home, with whom I haven't nearly as consistent contact as I would like. It's also a great way to keep more personal communication with churches and people who have been so faithful to lift us and our work up in prayer. It can be challenging to be candid, but I highly value the insights and bonds that are created when we are genuine with each other.

In my last post I was very honest about my struggles. I was a bit uncomfortable with putting that out there, and I didn't want to seem whiny or like someone who isn't appreciative of the blessings they've been given. However, I am so grateful for the sweet hearts of my friends who received my words in the way the were intended, and who offered sweet encouragement in return. My friend Tracy reminded me of the words of the 84th Psalm.

⁵ What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
      who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
⁶ When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,^[a]
      it will become a place of refreshing springs.
      The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
⁷ They will continue to grow stronger,
      and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.^[b]

What a great reminder that this is all a journey, and though we have some tough times, we persevere and are soon refreshed with sweet springs. Of course, the imagery of autumn rains speaks volumes to me as I eagerly await experiencing our first fall in three years this year! When I am reminded that hard times are not for naught, that we will be strengthened by them, I reflect on my life and see that God has always been faithful to that promise, and the rewards he has given have always far surpassed the struggle in the meantime. Beyond that, we know that the end of the journey contains a joy that for
surpasses anything we have known, when we "will appear before God in Jerusalem."

And so today, I recognize that my sweet friends who share in my life, pray for, and encourage me are the "glimpses of grace" that I don't want to take for granted. Thank you, God!

Simplicity Vs. Tenacity

2011-02-20T04:17:00.000-08:00

Life in Africa, like everywhere else, is such a mixed bag. As most of you know, this year has been pretty challenging for me as I have integrated teaching full time into my schedule of being a homemaker and ministering to people who are infected and affected by HIV. There have been blessings throughout this time of becoming more reliant on God. I have certainly witnessed the truth that his strength is made known in our weakness since most of my work has been an offering of meager and thinly spread efforts.

I am questioning myself on why I have to push myself so hard? How do I know when it is appropriate to push and stretch my boundaries, and when do I need to back off and relax? I feel like I have little sense for that lately.

It is really tempting to me to reduce some of my ministry responsibilities and become more of a stay at home mom with just a bit of ministry that I can do when I have time. I suspect that these feelings come from fatigue and a desire for the path of least resistance. Christian culture is highly accepting of the full time, stay at home mom, and as a woman who has a focus outside of the home I often feel like I have to somehow justify that I still do all the domestic stuff and that I do, indeed, love my children. One might think that I am just imagining this pressure, but I have actually been questioned point blank about it. Also, I am tired of doing things just so that they get done. I am always getting ready at the last minute, and even though things work out, I often don't satisfy my own standards. So this is most likely the perfectionist in me trying to make a comeback after I got rid of her years ago, and it probably does no harm that I can't invest myself fully in always "getting it right." There have been a lot of blessings in doing the best I can and leaving it at that, but there is a part of me that really wants to indulge the over-achiever.

In reflecting on my ministry here with the orphans and with HIV/AIDS, I have seen amazing things happen. I am the first to admit that I have no qualifications for some of the projects I have done and am doing, and God has really shown off by working through me! Also, God has given me such a love for the people with whom we work, and I am always energized by the time I get to spend going out and being with them in their homes, villages, and at the clinic.

I am happy to report that we have a few people who are interested in coming to teach, which I know will provide me with more time to do my ministry and take care of my home. Maybe I just need to be patient, and ride out the fatigue and lack of motivation that is setting in. If anyone has any shared experience or relevant insights I would be grateful to hear from you. I know it will all work out, but I appreciate being able to be honest with where I am, and having friends who will share in this part of life with me.