Life in Africa, like everywhere else, is such a mixed bag. As most of you know, this year has been pretty challenging for me as I have integrated teaching full time into my schedule of being a homemaker and ministering to people who are infected and affected by HIV. There have been blessings throughout this time of becoming more reliant on God. I have certainly witnessed the truth that his strength is made known in our weakness since most of my work has been an offering of meager and thinly spread efforts.
I am questioning myself on why I have to push myself so hard? How do I know when it is appropriate to push and stretch my boundaries, and when do I need to back off and relax? I feel like I have little sense for that lately.
It is really tempting to me to reduce some of my ministry responsibilities and become more of a stay at home mom with just a bit of ministry that I can do when I have time. I suspect that these feelings come from fatigue and a desire for the path of least resistance. Christian culture is highly accepting of the full time, stay at home mom, and as a woman who has a focus outside of the home I often feel like I have to somehow justify that I still do all the domestic stuff and that I do, indeed, love my children. One might think that I am just imagining this pressure, but I have actually been questioned point blank about it. Also, I am tired of doing things just so that they get done. I am always getting ready at the last minute, and even though things work out, I often don't satisfy my own standards. So this is most likely the perfectionist in me trying to make a comeback after I got rid of her years ago, and it probably does no harm that I can't invest myself fully in always "getting it right." There have been a lot of blessings in doing the best I can and leaving it at that, but there is a part of me that really wants to indulge the over-achiever.
In reflecting on my ministry here with the orphans and with HIV/AIDS, I have seen amazing things happen. I am the first to admit that I have no qualifications for some of the projects I have done and am doing, and God has really shown off by working through me! Also, God has given me such a love for the people with whom we work, and I am always energized by the time I get to spend going out and being with them in their homes, villages, and at the clinic.
I am happy to report that we have a few people who are interested in coming to teach, which I know will provide me with more time to do my ministry and take care of my home. Maybe I just need to be patient, and ride out the fatigue and lack of motivation that is setting in. If anyone has any shared experience or relevant insights I would be grateful to hear from you. I know it will all work out, but I appreciate being able to be honest with where I am, and having friends who will share in this part of life with me.
Enjoyed reading your blog Nicole; thanks for posting :) You are a very busy mom, wife, teacher and giver of yourself...hope the teacher prospectives work out! Have a wonderful week! ~Heidi
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the deeper layer to the mommy-work struggle that you've identified here: the necessity of waiting on God and not trying to make everything happen yourself. That complicates everything, but it does enable us to see and rely on those glimpses of grace. I don't have any helpful thoughts on the dilemma; I'm feeling kind of dazed myself lately. But I do know that writing can be an amazingly clarifying practice. Besides, I miss you and I love reading your posts! So keep at it!
ReplyDeleteThanks to both of you. Bitz, I like the phrase, "glimpses of grace," and I really feel like that's what this time of not being able to "do it right" has been about. Along with the concept of Sabbath, which is something that has been coming up a lot recently and that I could benefit from embracing. I think I will challenge myself to list and thank God for those glimpses of grace, and that could prove to be a big help through this time.
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